Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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