We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
