Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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