I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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