My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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