I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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