When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
