Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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