I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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