This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
