well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
