Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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