glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize