I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
