the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
