My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
