I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
