Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
