I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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