I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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