A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Barsexuality is the new black.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
