ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
