My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
