You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
