I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
