No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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