I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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