then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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