Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
