i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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