I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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