It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
