Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
