Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
