Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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