Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
