Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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