The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
