you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
