Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
