It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
