I'm so fucking centered right now
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
