Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
