I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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