The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
