so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
