yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
