My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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