not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You left your phone here
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