I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
jump out the window naked night went bad
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
