Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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