You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
