I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
