Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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