He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
