I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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